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Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Friday, July 20, 2018
Monday, July 09, 2018
A Change in Format
You may have noticed that I've been pretty quiet on here lately. For about two years now.
I stopped writing because it turned out that running my own business was surprisingly taxing on my creative faculties. And I was getting all my thoughts off my chest by chatting to customers, so I no longer really felt the need to write about things.
But I've closed up that business now, and I've moved to Cape Town. I've started producing content again, but now I'm doing it in video form instead of writing.
I've set up a bot to automatically post all my new videos here in case anyone is still subbed to this feed somehow. If you'd like to go and take a look through my catalogue of existing videos, or subscribe to my channel, you can do that over on YouTube.
I stopped writing because it turned out that running my own business was surprisingly taxing on my creative faculties. And I was getting all my thoughts off my chest by chatting to customers, so I no longer really felt the need to write about things.
But I've closed up that business now, and I've moved to Cape Town. I've started producing content again, but now I'm doing it in video form instead of writing.
I've set up a bot to automatically post all my new videos here in case anyone is still subbed to this feed somehow. If you'd like to go and take a look through my catalogue of existing videos, or subscribe to my channel, you can do that over on YouTube.
Monday, April 11, 2016
How to contact Owen - 2016 Edition
Since my last instalment of this series, not a lot has changed. But enough things have changed to warrant an update.
The most important thing that hasn't changed is that I still don't feel obliged to be available on any network to be contacted by anyone at any time. I have some very powerful communication tools at my disposal, but I have them for my own benefit, not anyone else's.
Some more things that remain the same:
If you want to phone me, here's what you do: Don't.
It's not going to work. You probably don't even have my number. Almost nobody does. And the few people who have it and try to use it are greeted by my outgoing voicemail message, followed by radio silence. Forever.
Phoning people is rude. Don't do it.
You might think you have my phone number. You don't. That's my business phone. It's switched off most of the time. The rest of the time it'll be answered by one of my staff, not by me.
Don't phone me.
I'll respond when I get around to it. It may be immediately, or it may be a few days later. But I'll get it, and I'll read it.
I use Facebook Messenger for work only. I don't open it on my days off. Unless your message is about work, I won't respond to it.
For everything else I use Google Hangouts. Work, personal, STARFLEET, you name it... Google Hangouts is the default way of reaching me with a short message. I'll get your message on my watch, and I'll respond almost immediately (unless I'm napping or raiding or something).
When it comes to Hangouts, I rely on you guys to respect my boundaries: Try not to send me work-related stuff on my days off. If you do, I'll probably mute you until the next day. I don't want to mute you, rather send me an email and I'll pick up your message at the appropriate time.
I won't accept voice or video calls unless I'm expecting them. You'll either need an appointment (set up via email or IM), or the situation must make the purpose of your call obvious (like I'm supposed to meet you somewhere, but you can't find me, or something).
I'd really rather avoid these if at all possible. Use text-based media as much as possible.
And if you need to know where I am for some reason, ask me to add you to one of the circles I share my location with on Google+.
If you want to be my fwend, you have to do it on Google+.
As an adjunct to Battle.net, I also have a Teamspeak server. It's more efficient than text-based chat for in-game comms. When I'm in-game I'm almost always logged into Teamspeak too. Feel free to join me there.
Teamspeak is the loophole in my 'no voice calls' policy. If you time it right, you can have a voice chat with me whenever I'm playing World of Warcraft. But I am GOD on that server, and I'll block you if you abuse it.
Slack is a kind of private IRC server with all kinds of awesome plugins. If you're a member of either of those teams, you already have access to Slack. If you're not a member of either team, you have no reason to use it.
I treat it like IM. I mute the DeeTwenty team on my days off, but I get alerts for all messages on both teams on my watch, and respond to them as quickly as possible. If you're in either team, Slack should be your first stop when trying to get hold of me. If not, see Hangouts.
If you need to see me about something specific, it's probably best to email me first and make an appointment. But if all you want to do is gaze upon me, you can find our operating hours on our website.
If you want me to come to a thing you're having (wedding, birthday party, briss... whatever) you may want to take a glance at DeeTwenty's business hours before you click 'send' on that invite. I'm a small business owner... I can't just drop everything and go to social things on a whim during business hours. I'd appreciate the invitation, but I almost certainly wouldn't be able to attend if it overlaps with my work hours.
There are exceptions, but that's all they are.
If my being at your thing really means that much to you, consider hosting it at the club. Chat to me about it (on Hangouts).
I'm not hard to get hold of. I'm not evasive or aloof. I'm just particular about managing my online boundaries, and I'm careful to keep the number of channels occupying my attention (and making my watch buzz) at a reasonable level.
And no, I'll never use WhatsApp. Don't bother asking.
The most important thing that hasn't changed is that I still don't feel obliged to be available on any network to be contacted by anyone at any time. I have some very powerful communication tools at my disposal, but I have them for my own benefit, not anyone else's.
Some more things that remain the same:
Don't Try to Phone Me
I won't answer. I'll let it go to voicemail, and NEVER listen to the message. Really. |
| No. |
It's not going to work. You probably don't even have my number. Almost nobody does. And the few people who have it and try to use it are greeted by my outgoing voicemail message, followed by radio silence. Forever.
Phoning people is rude. Don't do it.
You might think you have my phone number. You don't. That's my business phone. It's switched off most of the time. The rest of the time it'll be answered by one of my staff, not by me.
Don't phone me.
Email Me
I have several email addresses, none of which are hard to find. They all go to the same inbox. If you want to get in touch with me, pick your favourite email address of mine and send it a message.I'll respond when I get around to it. It may be immediately, or it may be a few days later. But I'll get it, and I'll read it.
IM Me
I use two IM networks: Google Hangouts and Facebook Messenger. |
| No. |
For everything else I use Google Hangouts. Work, personal, STARFLEET, you name it... Google Hangouts is the default way of reaching me with a short message. I'll get your message on my watch, and I'll respond almost immediately (unless I'm napping or raiding or something).
When it comes to Hangouts, I rely on you guys to respect my boundaries: Try not to send me work-related stuff on my days off. If you do, I'll probably mute you until the next day. I don't want to mute you, rather send me an email and I'll pick up your message at the appropriate time.
Voice/Video Chat
If you HAVE to have a conversation with me via voice or video for some reason, Google Hangouts is the way to go for that too. I can be persuaded to use Skype for this, but I'd really rather not... I'll spend at least 20% of our conversation bitching about how awful Skype is. So for the sake of your own sanity, it's probably best to use Hangouts.I won't accept voice or video calls unless I'm expecting them. You'll either need an appointment (set up via email or IM), or the situation must make the purpose of your call obvious (like I'm supposed to meet you somewhere, but you can't find me, or something).
I'd really rather avoid these if at all possible. Use text-based media as much as possible.
And if you need to know where I am for some reason, ask me to add you to one of the circles I share my location with on Google+.
Social Networking
You'll find me on Google+. I have a Facebook account, but I only ever use it for work. I won't post anything personal there, or anything that doesn't at least indirectly relate to one of my businesses or organisations.If you want to be my fwend, you have to do it on Google+.
Purpose-Specific Channels
This is what's new: I now use a handful of other networks and systems within very specific contexts.Gaming:
I pretty much only play Blizzard games, so when I'm in-game, feel free to use Battle.net to send me messages. It's not the best system: it sucks at handling offline messages, and often when I'm in-game I'm not necessarily in a position to respond, cos I might be busy killing a boss or something. Hangouts is better, unless you're sending me a message specifically relating to the game we're playing together.As an adjunct to Battle.net, I also have a Teamspeak server. It's more efficient than text-based chat for in-game comms. When I'm in-game I'm almost always logged into Teamspeak too. Feel free to join me there.
Teamspeak is the loophole in my 'no voice calls' policy. If you time it right, you can have a voice chat with me whenever I'm playing World of Warcraft. But I am GOD on that server, and I'll block you if you abuse it.
Teams:
I've started using Slack for intra-team comms for work and the USS Dauntless.Slack is a kind of private IRC server with all kinds of awesome plugins. If you're a member of either of those teams, you already have access to Slack. If you're not a member of either team, you have no reason to use it.
I treat it like IM. I mute the DeeTwenty team on my days off, but I get alerts for all messages on both teams on my watch, and respond to them as quickly as possible. If you're in either team, Slack should be your first stop when trying to get hold of me. If not, see Hangouts.
Meatspace
I used to hide behind my front door, only venturing out when I had an appointment. But my job now requires that I be physically available a set number of hours a week. My workplace is a public space, and anyone can come in and see me.If you need to see me about something specific, it's probably best to email me first and make an appointment. But if all you want to do is gaze upon me, you can find our operating hours on our website.
If you want me to come to a thing you're having (wedding, birthday party, briss... whatever) you may want to take a glance at DeeTwenty's business hours before you click 'send' on that invite. I'm a small business owner... I can't just drop everything and go to social things on a whim during business hours. I'd appreciate the invitation, but I almost certainly wouldn't be able to attend if it overlaps with my work hours.
There are exceptions, but that's all they are.
If my being at your thing really means that much to you, consider hosting it at the club. Chat to me about it (on Hangouts).
In Conclusion
I'm not hard to get hold of. I'm not evasive or aloof. I'm just particular about managing my online boundaries, and I'm careful to keep the number of channels occupying my attention (and making my watch buzz) at a reasonable level.And no, I'll never use WhatsApp. Don't bother asking.
 |
| No. |
Friday, April 03, 2015
The Ideals of Star Trek
One of the most appealing aspects of the Star Trek franchise is the philosophical and ethical framework encoded within the fictional world.
I, personally, find those ideals particularly appealing, so I especially enjoy the episodes where the characters are exploring the limits of the various ideals, and the interplay between them.
There are three main ideals: IDIC, "Let me help" and self-determination. Probably the most important instance of the interplay between the three is the Federation's "highest law", the Prime Directive.
Let's examine each ideal, the Prime Directive, and how they all combine to create the Star Trek world we see in the films and TV series.
Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations (IDIC) is described in-world as a philosophy of Vulcan origin. As the name suggests, it encourages us to be aware of, and to accept, the fact that in an infinite universe, all things can and will happen.
In particular, it reminds us that other people are different to us: in appearance; in culture; in values. And that those differences are something to be admired, appreciated and even celebrated. Under this ideal, diversity is a thing of value to be cherished, not something to be feared or avoided.
The story goes that Human society left war, poverty, crime and disease behind when it changed its guiding principle from "What's in it for me?" to "Let me help." This allowed for a more equitable distribution of resources, thus virtually eradicating the worst aspects on the underbelly of society.
It's a point of some contention that the universal application of communist ideals in Human society in the Star Trek universe has led the Federation (or at least Earth) to become something of a communist utopia. Bear in mind, that the technology of the Star Trek universe allows for virtually infinite resources, so a scarcity-based economy is no longer required. Thus, Star Trek's communist utopia isn't quite as juvenile as one might think: it's the (arguably) logical outcome of the combination of unlimited resources and a culture of altruism.
This notion is often explored in the context of non-voluntary relationships the characters must navigate, usually in the form of family. Star Trek is generally scornful of families, and the characters are almost always embarrassed by, or otherwise at odds with, their families. Preferring instead the company of their voluntary associations with their friends and crew-mates. Of course there are obvious exceptions, but the general principle is ubiquitous.
This is most starkly illustrated in the form of the Borg: a society in which all sense of self is erased, thus making self-determination impossible. It's not for nothing that the Borg are generally depicted as the most dangerous and "evil" force threatening the Federation.
One of my personal favourite moments in Star Trek relating to self-determination is one of Picard's famous speeches in the Next Generation episode, The Drumhead:
In short, the Prime Directive compels all Federation representatives to refrain from interfering with other cultures. The exact restrictions on what constitutes "interference" vary depending on the level of technological advancement of the culture in question, but the principle behind it is very strongly adhered to.
The Prime Directive serves as a balancing act between these three ideals. When it comes to dealing with other cultures, Let Me Help compels us to assist them in any way we can. But IDIC reminds us that their situation may be different to ours, possibly more than we may be able to appreciate. And in respecting their right to self-determination, we must allow for them to make decisions we may not like or agree with - even if those choices seem to, on the surface, limit their own self-determination. Failure to respect that autonomy is arrogance and condescension in the extreme.
Of course we've yet to see a Starfleet captain that won't break the Prime Directive when sufficiently motivated, but at the very least those captains must take it into account before making decisions that affect other cultures. The existence of the Prime Directive affects their choices, and they must make their decisions in that context.
I've so deeply internalised this ideal (and its daughters: freedom of speech, freedom of association, freedom of movement etc) that it seems counter-intuitive and even immoral when I see others using their self-determination to try and limit that of others.
For example, when "social justice warriors" (SJWs) bully artists into withdrawing their artwork from public display, when they publicly shame accomplished, good natured, scientists for what they wear, or when conservatives engage in "slut-shaming", I can't help but judge them as immoral. But that doesn't make me want to silence those sorts of authoritarian ideologues.
I am crucially aware that said bullying, while despicable, is the way those ideologues choose to apply their own self-determination. And it's then that IDIC reminds me that diversity of opinion, even within the context of my own culture, is something to be cherished and celebrated. I may not agree with, or even like, those ideologues, but the fact that they exist and are allowed to continue to spew their authoritarian ideology all over the rest of us ad-nauseum is a manifestation of our diversity as a species, and the self-determination we have the luxury of enjoying.
Although I wish pseudoscientists would stop promoting their harmful nostrums and fake science, it is condescending of me to assume that I know what's best for everyone. I may wish to help people who have been persuaded by the fictions of religions like Christianity or 3rd Wave Feminism, but trying to drag those adherents, kicking and screaming, across to the side of reason would violate their rights to self-determination.
The most I can do, in good conscience, to combat the elements of our society I feel are harmful is to argue, write and speak against them in the open marketplace of ideas. Those who advocate opposing ideas to mine are just as welcome there as I am, and together we can have a species-wide conversation about what we each think the best way is to have a society. A place where the diverse voices and opinions of all can be heard, free from the prejudice of bigoted institutions like the jātis or the progressive stack.
It is due to the lessons of the ideals of Star Trek that I'm able to enjoy long-standing friendships with a diverse array of people I disagree with: Christian fundamentalists, conspiracy theorists, social justice warriors, homeopaths and even people who don't like Star Trek. The respect for diversity and self-determination Star Trek has taught me allows me to appreciate them for who they are, and even celebrate their different opinions. I'll even help them, if they'll let me.
It's regrettable, however, that not all the people I know (not even all the Trekkies I know) embrace these ideals as fully as others. It must be lonely: Being unable to enjoy someone's company, simply because they hold different opinions. That inability to appreciate the diversity of our species must make for a very small world. I prefer a big one, where all are welcome.
I, personally, find those ideals particularly appealing, so I especially enjoy the episodes where the characters are exploring the limits of the various ideals, and the interplay between them.
There are three main ideals: IDIC, "Let me help" and self-determination. Probably the most important instance of the interplay between the three is the Federation's "highest law", the Prime Directive.
Let's examine each ideal, the Prime Directive, and how they all combine to create the Star Trek world we see in the films and TV series.
IDIC
In particular, it reminds us that other people are different to us: in appearance; in culture; in values. And that those differences are something to be admired, appreciated and even celebrated. Under this ideal, diversity is a thing of value to be cherished, not something to be feared or avoided.
"Let Me Help"
Let Me Help is described as an ideal of Human origin, and is given in contrast to the capitalist mantra "What's in if for me?" It's essentially a reformulation of the Marxist ideal "From each according to his ability, to each, according to his need."The story goes that Human society left war, poverty, crime and disease behind when it changed its guiding principle from "What's in it for me?" to "Let me help." This allowed for a more equitable distribution of resources, thus virtually eradicating the worst aspects on the underbelly of society.
It's a point of some contention that the universal application of communist ideals in Human society in the Star Trek universe has led the Federation (or at least Earth) to become something of a communist utopia. Bear in mind, that the technology of the Star Trek universe allows for virtually infinite resources, so a scarcity-based economy is no longer required. Thus, Star Trek's communist utopia isn't quite as juvenile as one might think: it's the (arguably) logical outcome of the combination of unlimited resources and a culture of altruism.
Self-determination
Although usually described more by its absence than by its presence, the right to self-determination is as close to a moral absolute as we can find within the Star Trek universe. I say it's described by its absence, because we're most acutely aware of it when characters are faced by situations they didn't choose for themselves.This notion is often explored in the context of non-voluntary relationships the characters must navigate, usually in the form of family. Star Trek is generally scornful of families, and the characters are almost always embarrassed by, or otherwise at odds with, their families. Preferring instead the company of their voluntary associations with their friends and crew-mates. Of course there are obvious exceptions, but the general principle is ubiquitous.
This is most starkly illustrated in the form of the Borg: a society in which all sense of self is erased, thus making self-determination impossible. It's not for nothing that the Borg are generally depicted as the most dangerous and "evil" force threatening the Federation.
One of my personal favourite moments in Star Trek relating to self-determination is one of Picard's famous speeches in the Next Generation episode, The Drumhead:
The Prime Directive
As valuable and laudable as these three ideals are, there are occasions when they come into conflict with each other. For this reason, there exists within the Star Trek universe the Federation's highest law: The Prime Directive.In short, the Prime Directive compels all Federation representatives to refrain from interfering with other cultures. The exact restrictions on what constitutes "interference" vary depending on the level of technological advancement of the culture in question, but the principle behind it is very strongly adhered to.
The Prime Directive serves as a balancing act between these three ideals. When it comes to dealing with other cultures, Let Me Help compels us to assist them in any way we can. But IDIC reminds us that their situation may be different to ours, possibly more than we may be able to appreciate. And in respecting their right to self-determination, we must allow for them to make decisions we may not like or agree with - even if those choices seem to, on the surface, limit their own self-determination. Failure to respect that autonomy is arrogance and condescension in the extreme.
Of course we've yet to see a Starfleet captain that won't break the Prime Directive when sufficiently motivated, but at the very least those captains must take it into account before making decisions that affect other cultures. The existence of the Prime Directive affects their choices, and they must make their decisions in that context.
What we can learn from these ideals
I, personally, find the right to self-determination particularly compelling. It seems obvious to me that all sapient beings should be afforded the same rights and opportunities. And even non-sapient beings should be afforded some rights, albeit more difficult to determine which beings should be afforded which rights, and based on which criteria. But I think the consideration itself is a valuable one.I've so deeply internalised this ideal (and its daughters: freedom of speech, freedom of association, freedom of movement etc) that it seems counter-intuitive and even immoral when I see others using their self-determination to try and limit that of others.
For example, when "social justice warriors" (SJWs) bully artists into withdrawing their artwork from public display, when they publicly shame accomplished, good natured, scientists for what they wear, or when conservatives engage in "slut-shaming", I can't help but judge them as immoral. But that doesn't make me want to silence those sorts of authoritarian ideologues.
I am crucially aware that said bullying, while despicable, is the way those ideologues choose to apply their own self-determination. And it's then that IDIC reminds me that diversity of opinion, even within the context of my own culture, is something to be cherished and celebrated. I may not agree with, or even like, those ideologues, but the fact that they exist and are allowed to continue to spew their authoritarian ideology all over the rest of us ad-nauseum is a manifestation of our diversity as a species, and the self-determination we have the luxury of enjoying.
Although I wish pseudoscientists would stop promoting their harmful nostrums and fake science, it is condescending of me to assume that I know what's best for everyone. I may wish to help people who have been persuaded by the fictions of religions like Christianity or 3rd Wave Feminism, but trying to drag those adherents, kicking and screaming, across to the side of reason would violate their rights to self-determination.
The most I can do, in good conscience, to combat the elements of our society I feel are harmful is to argue, write and speak against them in the open marketplace of ideas. Those who advocate opposing ideas to mine are just as welcome there as I am, and together we can have a species-wide conversation about what we each think the best way is to have a society. A place where the diverse voices and opinions of all can be heard, free from the prejudice of bigoted institutions like the jātis or the progressive stack.
It is due to the lessons of the ideals of Star Trek that I'm able to enjoy long-standing friendships with a diverse array of people I disagree with: Christian fundamentalists, conspiracy theorists, social justice warriors, homeopaths and even people who don't like Star Trek. The respect for diversity and self-determination Star Trek has taught me allows me to appreciate them for who they are, and even celebrate their different opinions. I'll even help them, if they'll let me.
It's regrettable, however, that not all the people I know (not even all the Trekkies I know) embrace these ideals as fully as others. It must be lonely: Being unable to enjoy someone's company, simply because they hold different opinions. That inability to appreciate the diversity of our species must make for a very small world. I prefer a big one, where all are welcome.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Dating Advice for the Socially Awkward
Lemme put this right on front street: I'm terrible at dating. Think Steve Carrell in 40 Year Old Virgin. That's how bad I am at it. And yet I've been involved in a relationship of some sort pretty much my entire adult life. Despite my incompetence, I seem to be doing something right.
I'm not an expert at dating. Not by a long shot. But the last time I was single I started doing a lot of reading about various components of interpersonal docking procedures, because I figured there had to be some trick to it, and I was determined to understand what that was. I haven't been single for some time, but the idea still fascinates me, so I haven't stopped that reading.
What I present here is the current synthesis of the knowledge I've picked up about it. I hope I'll never need to use this myself, but there's no reason others couldn't benefit from my research.
If you're good at dating, or you've got an approach that works for you, you don't need my advice. Just keep right on doing what you're doing. If you're having a hard time of it, consider trying some of the things I suggest.
This is hard. A lot harder than you may expect. You probably have a shopping list of traits in your head that describe your ideal partner, right? Here's the problem: that list is almost certainly wrong.
Think about it like this: if you've ever used a service like Audible, Amazon Kindle or Netflix (or equivalents), odds are you have a lengthy wishlist of items you "plan" to buy, because they're the sorts of things you like, right? But if you like them so much, why are they still in your wishlist? Because when it's time to actually buy stuff, you buy other things.
As humans we suck at knowing exactly what it is we like. We have an imaginary list of things that we may be interested in, or wish we were interested in. But that's not the list that actually determines our purchasing behaviour. The actual list is hidden from us, down deep in the recesses of our reptile brains,
Amazon and Netflix know this, so they don't bother suggesting new purchases to you based on what you say you like. They look at what you actually buy, compare that to other users who bought the same things, and show you recommendations based on what they bought. And that seems to work pretty well.
Alas, we're no more or less skilled at picking potential mates. We have an idea in our minds of the sort of partner we ought to have, and search for that. Meanwhile we overlook plenty of opportunities with people we would actually like.
Online dating sites are aware of this, and are presumably working on incorporating it into their matching algorithms, But until they they get it right, the most we can do is to be brutally honest about what we actually want in a partner... not just what we think we ought to want.
And the easiest way to start that is to look at your dating history and do a comparison of your previous partners. Ask yourself questions, and answer as honestly as you can. Things like:
When I was doing this a couple of years ago, I gave into my geeky urges and created a spreadsheet with 34 different listed criteria, each with a comparative weighting, and I rated all my previous partners against each other to derive an overall compatibility score out of 100. I have no idea if it was any good, but the results certainly reflected how I felt about them at the time, so I guess there was some merit to it.
In fact, since I already had the matrix in place, I created an online questionnaire and invited my friends to fill it in... mostly so I could calibrate it better. I wouldn't recommend that to you, necessarily, but I will say that one of my friends who filled out the questionnaire got an impossibly high score. And, well, we've been together for close to two years now. So there's that.
A lot of people are uncomfortable, particularly when it comes to online dating, with "selling themselves". Not only are we culturally discouraged from singing our own praises lest we sound arrogant, but many people suffer with self-confidence issues. And let's face it: if you're looking for dating advice from me, odds are you're one of those people. Amirite?
But that's okay. You don't need to be a master salesperson or Don Draper to be the director of your own marketing campaign, There are some basic steps you can follow that will get you off to a good start.
 |
| Yeah |
I'm not an expert at dating. Not by a long shot. But the last time I was single I started doing a lot of reading about various components of interpersonal docking procedures, because I figured there had to be some trick to it, and I was determined to understand what that was. I haven't been single for some time, but the idea still fascinates me, so I haven't stopped that reading.
What I present here is the current synthesis of the knowledge I've picked up about it. I hope I'll never need to use this myself, but there's no reason others couldn't benefit from my research.
If you're good at dating, or you've got an approach that works for you, you don't need my advice. Just keep right on doing what you're doing. If you're having a hard time of it, consider trying some of the things I suggest.
Step 1: Know What You're Looking For
This is hard. A lot harder than you may expect. You probably have a shopping list of traits in your head that describe your ideal partner, right? Here's the problem: that list is almost certainly wrong.
Think about it like this: if you've ever used a service like Audible, Amazon Kindle or Netflix (or equivalents), odds are you have a lengthy wishlist of items you "plan" to buy, because they're the sorts of things you like, right? But if you like them so much, why are they still in your wishlist? Because when it's time to actually buy stuff, you buy other things.
As humans we suck at knowing exactly what it is we like. We have an imaginary list of things that we may be interested in, or wish we were interested in. But that's not the list that actually determines our purchasing behaviour. The actual list is hidden from us, down deep in the recesses of our reptile brains,
Amazon and Netflix know this, so they don't bother suggesting new purchases to you based on what you say you like. They look at what you actually buy, compare that to other users who bought the same things, and show you recommendations based on what they bought. And that seems to work pretty well.
Alas, we're no more or less skilled at picking potential mates. We have an idea in our minds of the sort of partner we ought to have, and search for that. Meanwhile we overlook plenty of opportunities with people we would actually like.
Online dating sites are aware of this, and are presumably working on incorporating it into their matching algorithms, But until they they get it right, the most we can do is to be brutally honest about what we actually want in a partner... not just what we think we ought to want.
And the easiest way to start that is to look at your dating history and do a comparison of your previous partners. Ask yourself questions, and answer as honestly as you can. Things like:
- What first attracted you to the person?
- What annoyed you most about them?
- What traits (if any) do all or most of your partners share?
- What did I find most rewarding about our time together?
- What did I miss most after we broke up?
- And so on...
I warn you, this can be difficult emotionally. When I went through this, I had to admit to myself that my answer to #1 for most of my previous partners was "She was nice to me.". Ouch. Take your time and work it through. It's worth it.
Don't be afraid to be superficial or prejudicial. Nobody's watching, and nobody's judging. If you don't like tall guys, that's cool. If blondes do it for you, that's cool too. You're not trying to impress anyone, you're trying to get to know yourself better. If you don't like what you find, make a note to work through it later. This is about knowing yourself, not fixing yourself.
In fact, since I already had the matrix in place, I created an online questionnaire and invited my friends to fill it in... mostly so I could calibrate it better. I wouldn't recommend that to you, necessarily, but I will say that one of my friends who filled out the questionnaire got an impossibly high score. And, well, we've been together for close to two years now. So there's that.
Step 2: Marketing
A lot of people are uncomfortable, particularly when it comes to online dating, with "selling themselves". Not only are we culturally discouraged from singing our own praises lest we sound arrogant, but many people suffer with self-confidence issues. And let's face it: if you're looking for dating advice from me, odds are you're one of those people. Amirite?
- Have a good, recent profile photo. I cannot overstate how important this is. Not only should it go without saying that you must have a profile photo, but you want to ensure that you have the best photo possible.
Humans are visually-driven. It's not worth denying it. We evaluate prospective dates first (but not only) based on their appearance. It's just true. If your profile has no photo, or has a photo of something other than you (your child, favourite cartoon character, a pretty flower or whatever) you won't get any good prospects. You'll get messages, especially if you're female, but they'll only be from random dudes trawling the sites... not from anyone worth talking to. Photo = essential.
Even if you don't think you're very attractive. If anything that makes it even more important that you have a photo up there. While it's true that there are some global norms of attractiveness among humans, that's highly variable. Even if you look funny, odds are there's someone out there who thinks your look is cool, quirky or cute. You'll never find that person if they can't see your face.
Not only must there be a photo, but it must be a clear one. Get one taken professionally, if you can. By an actual professional, if possible. Your friend with an expensive camera who photographs her friends' pets on weekends might be able to do a good enough job, but try to get the best you can afford. You want the photo to depict you clearly and honestly, but should also be as flattering as possible. Good lighting, composition, make-up (if necessary) and wardrobe make all the difference. Most people don't look good in bathroom-mirror selfies. Go legit for this one.
Not only must it be good, but it must be recent. Less than a year old, preferably. There's no point denying it: we all change the way we look as we get older. We put on or lose weight. We change hairstyles and hair colour. We make different fashion choices. Our skin changes hue and texture. Despite what you imagine you see in the mirror, I promise you don't look like you did three years ago. If you set up a date to meet someone who's there to meet the 2011 version of you, and they see the 2014 version of you instead (even if you think the 2014 version is more attractive), they'll be disappointed, because they won't be getting what they signed on for. Putting up an outdated (or heaven forbid, heavily photoshopped) photo is dishonest. Don't do it.
Have a few other photos too, preferably in a variety of settings, doing things you enjoy.
No duckface selfies - Give yourself a good blurb. Most dating sites require you to say something about yourself in your own words. Be honest and direct, but try to keep it positive and light. For example:
Instead of saying "I've been single for 3 years now and I desperately need to get laid."
Try "I've spent some time enjoying life on my own, getting to know myself. But now I feel ready to share my life with someone special."
Good, eh?
Don't hide important things about yourself. Put them right out there. Especially if it's something unusual. If you collect snakes, can't go a week without watching an old episode of Magnum PI or only ever eat fruit that died of natural causes, you need to put that stuff out upfront. Those could be nasty surprises for someone who wasn't expecting them, or they could be the exact things a potential partner is looking for. - Don't limit yourself. If you're unaccustomed to the online dating thing, it may be daunting to sign up for even one site. But in for a penny, in for a pound. If you're going for one, may as well go for as many as you can: DatingBuzz, OKCupid, eHarmony, Match.com... don't stop until you've got a hook in as many ponds as you can handle.
There's no reason to limit yourself just to dating sites either. Social media sites like Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram and Meetup are also good platforms to get yourself out there. For all you know, your next romantic partner has been your Facebook friend since 2009, but they just didn't know you were available. There's no need to go overboard and spam your friends list with flirty messages, but you can incorporate some elements from your dating profiles into your ordinary social media profiles without it being weird.
Step 3: Get out of the house
Online dating is cool and all, but as popular as it is these days, you still have a much higher chance of meeting a good match when you're offline.
Now, I've been there: when you're single, there's a strong temptation to go to places where single people go: night clubs, pubs, birthday parties of loose acquaintances... but that's a tactical error. If you're the sort of person who ordinarily goes to a pub often, then go to a pub. Because the people you'll meet there are people like you: people who go to pubs.
But if you're not normally a pub-goer, going to a pub to meet people doesn't make a lot of sense. Do you really want to meet someone who wants to do something regularly that you don't like doing?
Instead, go to the places you normally go. If you don't normally go to places, use Google to find out where people like you go. Are you new to Joburg? Join the Joburg Expats Meetup. Are you an atheist? Find out when the next atheist picnic is. Are you a geek? Come to DeeTwenty!
It seems obvious when you think about it, but it doesn't necessarily occur to people: if you want to be in a relationship with someone who shares your interests, hobbies, world-view or values, seek out people that you share those things with, and see who you meet there. You're more likely to meet the right person there than you are in places where other people go.
Step 4: Be patient
This isn't an aggressive sales technique. Nobody's screaming in your ear to make 20 calls by end of business. Relax and take your time. Be comfortable with the idea that finding a good match can be a slow process.
Desperation is counterproductive in these situations. People can pick up on it, and it makes you seem less desirable.
Instead, focus on enjoying the last days/weeks/months you have of being single. Maybe do some of the things you're unlikely to do when you're not single anymore, like spend a night on the roof with your telescope, take your parents on a weekend away, or go with your buddies to a strip joint. Try to enjoy the single life, and you won't mind as much that it takes a while to happen.
Odds are you'll meet a few people along the way who aren't a good fit. I wish I could give you comprehensive advice on how to deal with that, but the best I can do is: be kind, be honest and be clear. And bear in mind that even if the guy or girl you're with now seems unfathomably awesome, if he or she doesn't feel the same way about you, there are almost certainly are others out there as unfathomably awesome as they are, if not better.
So yeah, like I said, I'm no expert. This is based on stuff I've read (I've linked to my sources when I could find/remember them), and it all makes sense to me. But dating is messy business, and your mileage may vary. I hope you get something useful out of all this.
Oh, and I'm serious about the profile photo. Muey importante.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
Ad Review: Jameson Whiskey "Henry the Musician"
Since I stopped watching broadcast TV a couple of years ago, I tend not to be subjected to many video ads these days. The notable exception is when we go to the movies at Ster Kinekor, where fast-forwarding or muting the ads isn't an option.
One of the ads I've seen before every single movie I've gone to for over a year now is one for Jameson Whiskey. I facepalmed the first time I saw it, and assumed it was a mistake, never to be seen again, Alas that appears not be the case.
Here's the ad:
Did you see what I saw?
In case you didn't, here's what I saw
We start with an establishing shot of a stage in a small jazz bar. A guy is centre-stage playing a guitar (a Gibson Les Paul Standard, if I'm not mistaken). We're told his name is Henry, and that he loves his whiskey. Cool.
A fire starts in the bar, and a fellow patron is about to do her civil duty, breaking the glass of the fire alarm with the nearest object at hand: a bottle of Jameson Whiskey.
Henry intervenes before the lady hits the alarm thingy, takes the bottle from her hand, and then breaks the glass with his guitar, which we're told is a "65 six-string".
While the patrons enjoy dancing under the simulated rain of the sprinklers, Henry pours himself a glass of whiskey, and the flashback ends. The narrator assures us this is a true story.
Seen it yet?
So as far as we can tell, Henry is a professional musician. It's quite a fancy bar, but playing live music in night clubs doesn't pay well, especially when you have to split it with your band. Odds are Henry doesn't make very much. That means his 1965 Les Paul is probably his most valuable possession... not only because it sells for about R30 000 on auction (equivalent to a small used car), but because it's the tool he uses to earn his living.
When a small fire starts, he prevents a woman from sacrificing a R250 bottle of whiskey to put it out. Fair enough. That's a pretty expensive beverage (compared to around R10 for a similar quantity of Mountain Dew). The bar probably has a few in the back room, but waste not, right?
But then instead of grabbing any of the other objects available: chairs, shoes, ashtrays, or even using his own sleeved elbow to break the glass, he decides to break it with his guitar.
Here's the thing about fire alarms. Although they're usually covered with glass to dissuade people from setting them off when there isn't a fire, the glass they use for that is meant to break really easily should the need arise. It's way thinner and more brittle than a glass table, window or whiskey tumbler. A hard tap with your fingernail would do the trick.
If Henry had tapped it gently with the head of this guitar, it would have easily given way. The worst that might have happened is a bit of a scratch in the lacquer, which could be a conversation-starter if anyone were to even notice it.
But no. Henry caresses the guitar as if to say "goodbye" and takes a full swing at the wall... breaking the glass and presumably utterly destroying his instrument in the attempt.
Sure, Henry stopped the fire and (kinda) saved all the patrons. But to do it, he unnecessarily sacrificed his livelihood. That's right... Henry no longer has his guitar... he's unable to work.
So here's the take-home message:
Jameson Whiskey leads people to make terrible, terrible choices in life.
As part of the same campaign, they could have made ads featuring Jake, the guy who drank too much Jameson Whiskey and didn't notice that the condom he put on was broken, then ended up paying child-support for the rest of his life.
Or Brenda, the woman who couldn't say no to that last Jameson and ran over a pedestrian while driving home. The chronic depression she was drinking to self-medicate got the best of her and she committed suicide three months later.
Awful, right? But those would be entirely consistent with the message of this ad.
I'm glad the good people at Jameson haven't made those other ads. But why is the Henry one still being screened? Am I the only person who's paid any attention to it?
One of the ads I've seen before every single movie I've gone to for over a year now is one for Jameson Whiskey. I facepalmed the first time I saw it, and assumed it was a mistake, never to be seen again, Alas that appears not be the case.
Here's the ad:
Did you see what I saw?
In case you didn't, here's what I saw
We start with an establishing shot of a stage in a small jazz bar. A guy is centre-stage playing a guitar (a Gibson Les Paul Standard, if I'm not mistaken). We're told his name is Henry, and that he loves his whiskey. Cool.
A fire starts in the bar, and a fellow patron is about to do her civil duty, breaking the glass of the fire alarm with the nearest object at hand: a bottle of Jameson Whiskey.
Henry intervenes before the lady hits the alarm thingy, takes the bottle from her hand, and then breaks the glass with his guitar, which we're told is a "65 six-string".
While the patrons enjoy dancing under the simulated rain of the sprinklers, Henry pours himself a glass of whiskey, and the flashback ends. The narrator assures us this is a true story.
Seen it yet?
So as far as we can tell, Henry is a professional musician. It's quite a fancy bar, but playing live music in night clubs doesn't pay well, especially when you have to split it with your band. Odds are Henry doesn't make very much. That means his 1965 Les Paul is probably his most valuable possession... not only because it sells for about R30 000 on auction (equivalent to a small used car), but because it's the tool he uses to earn his living.
When a small fire starts, he prevents a woman from sacrificing a R250 bottle of whiskey to put it out. Fair enough. That's a pretty expensive beverage (compared to around R10 for a similar quantity of Mountain Dew). The bar probably has a few in the back room, but waste not, right?
But then instead of grabbing any of the other objects available: chairs, shoes, ashtrays, or even using his own sleeved elbow to break the glass, he decides to break it with his guitar.
Here's the thing about fire alarms. Although they're usually covered with glass to dissuade people from setting them off when there isn't a fire, the glass they use for that is meant to break really easily should the need arise. It's way thinner and more brittle than a glass table, window or whiskey tumbler. A hard tap with your fingernail would do the trick.
If Henry had tapped it gently with the head of this guitar, it would have easily given way. The worst that might have happened is a bit of a scratch in the lacquer, which could be a conversation-starter if anyone were to even notice it.
But no. Henry caresses the guitar as if to say "goodbye" and takes a full swing at the wall... breaking the glass and presumably utterly destroying his instrument in the attempt.
Sure, Henry stopped the fire and (kinda) saved all the patrons. But to do it, he unnecessarily sacrificed his livelihood. That's right... Henry no longer has his guitar... he's unable to work.
So here's the take-home message:
As part of the same campaign, they could have made ads featuring Jake, the guy who drank too much Jameson Whiskey and didn't notice that the condom he put on was broken, then ended up paying child-support for the rest of his life.
Or Brenda, the woman who couldn't say no to that last Jameson and ran over a pedestrian while driving home. The chronic depression she was drinking to self-medicate got the best of her and she committed suicide three months later.
Awful, right? But those would be entirely consistent with the message of this ad.
I'm glad the good people at Jameson haven't made those other ads. But why is the Henry one still being screened? Am I the only person who's paid any attention to it?
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
How To Contact Owen - 2014 Edition!
I get a lot of flak from people who complain that I'm difficult to get hold of. What they really mean is that I can't be reached in the ways they like to contact people.
What those people seem to fail to realise is that my communication tools are for my convenience, not theirs. But since I'm atypical in my use of those technologies, I'm prepared to educate people on how to reach me. It also changes from time to time, so I may have to make this an annual primer. Here goes the first one.
Google+ Hangouts. Add me to your Google+ circles and you can send me a Hangouts instant message any time. Hangouts sends your message to me, regardless of where I am or what device I'm using at the time. If I'm able to look at a device, I'll get your message.
If you don't have a Google+ account, or you prefer not to use Hangouts, you don't get to send me an instant message.
You can try sending me an SMS if you like (if you're one of the few people who actually has my phone number). But since SMSs only go to one of my devices, odds are smaller that I'll see it any time soon. And since SMSs cost money to send, and I use a prepaid SIM that's often not loaded up with airtime (I generally convert all my airtime to data bundles), odds are even lower that I'll respond to it.
Email. All my communication devices are connected to my Gmail, and can pull down email messages for me in real time. If I'm near a device, I'll get it. Whether you send to my personal, STARFLEET or work email addresses, it all goes to the same inbox, so I'm equally likely to see a message sent through any of them.
I don't necessarily read every email as it comes in. But I will check my notifications every now and then to see if there's anything important/urgent.
Google+ Hangouts or Facebook Messenger. I use Facebook exclusively for work, so I won't respond to personal messages there... They'll just go ignored.
And I also only log in on days when I'm working, so I'll only see your message when I'm at work.
So use Google+ Hangouts rather, but if it's work-related, Facebook is fine.
Google+ Hangouts. I won't answer random calls though. You'll need to make an appointment first using IM or email.
If you're one of the people who has my phone number, same rule applies: no appointment, no answer. And don't bother leaving a voicemail message either... I'll never listen to it. I also won't call you back.
Google+ Hangouts. If I can't see or respond to a message in Hangouts, I can't see or respond to any other messages either. When checking my new messages, I always check Hangouts first, before checking anything else.
But really ask yourself: if it's an emergency, am I really the one you should be contacting? If your car's broken down, your house has been burgled or your computer exploded, I'm not the one who can help you with those things. Try emergency services or Dial A Nerd.
Post it on Google+ and share it with me by name. I'll take a look within a few hours, if not immediately. If I like it, I'll reshare it. If you send me a chain email (or their social media equivalents), I know I need to block you. I don't reshare stuff sent to me via email or Facebook (unless it's work-related, of course).
Show up at the club during any of our Open Sessions. I'm almost always at the counter, or at least in the building somewhere.
Outside of club Open Sessions, you'll need to make an appointment via email or Hangouts to see me. If my doorbell rings unexpectedly, I won't even get up to see who's there.
What those people seem to fail to realise is that my communication tools are for my convenience, not theirs. But since I'm atypical in my use of those technologies, I'm prepared to educate people on how to reach me. It also changes from time to time, so I may have to make this an annual primer. Here goes the first one.
 |
| Telex not supported |
If you need to get a short message to me right now:
Google+ Hangouts. Add me to your Google+ circles and you can send me a Hangouts instant message any time. Hangouts sends your message to me, regardless of where I am or what device I'm using at the time. If I'm able to look at a device, I'll get your message.
If you don't have a Google+ account, or you prefer not to use Hangouts, you don't get to send me an instant message.
You can try sending me an SMS if you like (if you're one of the few people who actually has my phone number). But since SMSs only go to one of my devices, odds are smaller that I'll see it any time soon. And since SMSs cost money to send, and I use a prepaid SIM that's often not loaded up with airtime (I generally convert all my airtime to data bundles), odds are even lower that I'll respond to it.
If you need to get a long message to me right now:
Email. All my communication devices are connected to my Gmail, and can pull down email messages for me in real time. If I'm near a device, I'll get it. Whether you send to my personal, STARFLEET or work email addresses, it all goes to the same inbox, so I'm equally likely to see a message sent through any of them.
I don't necessarily read every email as it comes in. But I will check my notifications every now and then to see if there's anything important/urgent.
 |
| Smoke signals also not supported |
If you need to send me a short message, but don't mind waiting a few days for me to respond, if ever:
Google+ Hangouts or Facebook Messenger. I use Facebook exclusively for work, so I won't respond to personal messages there... They'll just go ignored.
And I also only log in on days when I'm working, so I'll only see your message when I'm at work.
So use Google+ Hangouts rather, but if it's work-related, Facebook is fine.
If you need to talk to me by voice or video:
Google+ Hangouts. I won't answer random calls though. You'll need to make an appointment first using IM or email.
If you're one of the people who has my phone number, same rule applies: no appointment, no answer. And don't bother leaving a voicemail message either... I'll never listen to it. I also won't call you back.
If it's an emergency:
Google+ Hangouts. If I can't see or respond to a message in Hangouts, I can't see or respond to any other messages either. When checking my new messages, I always check Hangouts first, before checking anything else.
But really ask yourself: if it's an emergency, am I really the one you should be contacting? If your car's broken down, your house has been burgled or your computer exploded, I'm not the one who can help you with those things. Try emergency services or Dial A Nerd.
If you want to send me a joke, chain email or cool link:
 |
| Strip-O-Grams also not supported |
If you want to see me in person:
Show up at the club during any of our Open Sessions. I'm almost always at the counter, or at least in the building somewhere.
Outside of club Open Sessions, you'll need to make an appointment via email or Hangouts to see me. If my doorbell rings unexpectedly, I won't even get up to see who's there.
Things to use if you want to make sure I'll never get your message:
- Skype
- Voicemail
- Fax
- Telegraph
- Yo
- Anything after 23:00 and before 08:00 everyday. My devices all go to sleep mode during those hours, and I don't hear notifications.
And before you ask: there's no point trying to persuade me to change my position on the use or non-use of these systems. I almost certainly know more about them than you do, and I've very carefully arrived at my decision not to use them. Some of them I feel so strongly about (WhatsApp and voicemail, for example), I'll probably get very angry and rude about it if you even try.
Rule of thumb:
If you want to get me a message, Google+ Hangouts is the way to go. Email is a solid second choice. Phoning me will almost certainly fail.
There's an important point I forgot to make here originally, so I'll throw it in now: Just because I've received your message, that by no means guarantees that I'll respond to it.
I respond to most things that I think need a response, but not all. If I don't want to have the conversation with you, I just won't. If you've been waiting for ages for a response from me, odds are you won't be getting one.
If you really want me to respond to your message, here are some things to consider doing:
No guarantees (added 2014-07-23)
There's an important point I forgot to make here originally, so I'll throw it in now: Just because I've received your message, that by no means guarantees that I'll respond to it.
I respond to most things that I think need a response, but not all. If I don't want to have the conversation with you, I just won't. If you've been waiting for ages for a response from me, odds are you won't be getting one.
If you really want me to respond to your message, here are some things to consider doing:
- Make the conversation interesting;
- Bribes. Cash and/or HeroClix figures accepted.
Threatening, badgering or otherwise nagging me won't improve your odds of getting a response. In fact, they'll only improve your odds of getting blocked and never hearing from me again.
If you think I'm being unnecessarily harsh or restrictive in my communications policies, I refer you to the second paragraph of this post: "...my communication tools are for my convenience, not [yours]." I don't feel obliged to be available to everyone 24/7 in a hundred different ways. If you want me to take the time to have a conversation with you, it's up to you to approach me in the ways I prefer, and to make it worth my time to respond.
If I need to contact you, I'll try to use the ways you prefer, and to make it worth your while too.
It kind of baffles me that this doesn't go without saying. Are we all so accustomed to being connected to each other, that we've forgotten the basic notion that a person's time belongs to them? And that if we want some of it, we have ask politely for it?
If I need to contact you, I'll try to use the ways you prefer, and to make it worth your while too.
It kind of baffles me that this doesn't go without saying. Are we all so accustomed to being connected to each other, that we've forgotten the basic notion that a person's time belongs to them? And that if we want some of it, we have ask politely for it?
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