Thursday, August 04, 2005

It’s time

No more fannying about. The time has come for me to shuffle off this illusion of obscurity I have worked so hard to maintain, and for me to step up and truly embrace my destiny: To become the Emperor of All the Earth and Beyond!

Since all of you mere mortals couldn’t stop me even if you wanted to, I see no harm in telling you of my plans.

Step 1: Vision and Mission Statement.

This part is easy. I want to become the absolute ruler of planet Earth and all its people. Then, once I’ve accomplished all that, I’m going to blow it up.

The blowing up thing is Phase 2, and I’ve already dealt with that in a previous post. This post deals specifically with Phase 1.

Step 2: Obtain a Trusted Lieutenant

This must be someone I can rely on 100%. If I have a dodgy Trusted Lieutenant my entire plan could fail. If some would-be-hero were to try and infiltrate my plans, a less-than-perfect Trusted Lieutenant would provide him a perfect opportunity. I can’t have that.

If you think you’d make a good Trusted Lieutenant, let me know. I’m holding interviews.

Step 3: Obtain Legions of Terror

This is an enormous army of fanatical followers who are dedicated to my cause. There are, of course, many different types of Legions of Terror. My favourites at this point are as follows:

- Storm Troopers (a little mundane, but easy to come by)
- Evil Ninjas (Very cool)
- Flying Monkeys (expensive – I’d have to have them custom made)
- Killer Robots (Extra nifty. I happen to know some geeks that could help me make really cool ones… ones that can’t be overcome by lame-ass Star Trek-esque logical paradoxes)
- Mutant Zombies (I’m not convinced about these)
- Undead Knights (There’s something to be said for using soldiers that are already dead)

I suppose these are all subject to availability. And there’s no reason I can’t have all of them. Once I have recruited my Trusted Lieutenant I’ll know what resources I have at my disposal for obtaining my Legions of Terror.

Step 4: Obtain a Lair

It’s very important to choose the right Lair. A hollowed out volcano is always first prize, but it’s not always practical… especially if it’s still active.

I’ve looked at getting hold of some old missile silos as a temporary solution. I would need somewhere to launch some vehicles into space so that I can construct my Orbital Palace with a Really Big Gun (The Big Gun is for Phase 2).

It would also need to be roomy enough to store my Giant Robot Battlesuit and have an indoor training area for my Legions of Terror.

It might be even cooler if I built it on a site of great significance… like in a giant cavern underneath the Great Pyramid. That would help with Step 6.

Step 5: Eliminate the Competition

I’ll have to remove any other major players who are also vying for world domination. This would include G.W. Bush, Bill Gates, Barney the Dinosaur, Elvis, the Masons and Mensa.

My Legions of Terror will have to include a team of specialized assassins for this task (Ninjas perhaps?)

Step 6: Enslave the People

This is the fun part. I use my Legions of Terror to locate and crush any sort of resistance movements and to enforce my new laws (don’t worry, they’ll be cool laws).

I’ll also use things like propaganda and the Delphi technique to convince the people that even though I’m evil, I’m really not such a bad guy, and that it’s a pretty good idea to do what I say… or else.

Well, there it is: my brilliant plan. It can’t possibly go wrong.

Everyone feel free to join me for a “Mwahahahahah!”