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Monday, May 09, 2005

What is the Matrix?

Throughout my adult life, I’ve had a problem when it comes to women. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I was raised with three older sisters, but I haven’t really analysed it enough to figure out what caused it.

The problem is that I have a tendency to let them walk all over me. It’s been a real issue for me… if a woman asks me to do something I will almost certainly do it.

In my early adulthood it wasn’t much of a problem, but once I became involved in my first serious relationship it really started to get in the way. As a full-time student I was working two part-time jobs to support my girlfriend (who was not a student, and had only one part-time job). I was paying her rent, her air-time, buying her food and lots more. And at the same time I was putting up with more hassles from her than most guys would be prepared to deal with. But she was a woman, and she needed my help, so that was what I gave her.

I don’t think she mischievously took advantage of me, she just realised she could get away with it, so after a while she started taking me for granted. A normal reaction for just about anyone.

After we broke up I continued to find myself in situations where I was being taken advantage of. Again, I don’t believe it was malicious, or even intentional… women in my life soon found out that I would be prepared to do just about anything for them, so they started to rely on me doing just that.

On occasion I would become frustrated with myself for being so weak-willed, and even get angry with the women who were using me… but I’m not the sort to hold a grudge. And all any of them ever had to do was flash me a smile or a “You’re a star!” and all would be forgiven.

Although I have improved on that a lot, especially this year, I find myself in that situation once again.

My regular readers will be aware of the on-again/off-again nature of my relationship with Lily over the last few months. As much as it hurts every time I get kicked to the curb, the fact is it’s my own fault for letting her get away with it.

Case in point. Last Wednesday night she called me… out of the blue. She was terribly amorous and made all kinds of promises and guarantees that this time it would work. The following morning she changed her mind. I was furious, and I let her know it.

But on Friday night she called me again, once again being terribly amorous… practically begging to see me. I caved and visited her on Saturday evening. We had a nice time. This morning I got the, now familiar, break-up schpiel about how she’s not ready for a relationship blah blah blah.

Whose fault was it? Mine. I let her do it. So, although I’m grateful for the support I’ve been shown by some of you guys, I don’t deserve it… because I am to blame.

But this is it now. To quote Jean-Luc Picard “The Line must be drawn here! This far, no further!”

I’ve taken steps to ensure that I won’t even be tempted to hear her plea the next time she has a moment of weakness. I wish it weren’t necessary, but I feel the time has come that the Lily Chapter of my life is brought to a close.

Perhaps I will learn my lesson and not let myself get suckered into servitude again. Time will tell.